What It Means to be "Free to be...Me!" Especially After Divorce
Have you ever wondered what it means to be free, especially “Free to be Me!”?
Well, let me tell you the power I felt behind this little phrase. It seemed to pop up in my mind seemingly out of nowhere one night as I sat in silent meditation. I was in the midst of soul searching as to where the trajectory of my life would be headed next, since I was recently divorced.
I truly believe it was in that moment of silence when I felt the presence of God or Spirit giving me an invisible nudge that all was going to be OK. All I had to do was lean into this phrase, and to let go and be free...
AS A CHILD
Throughout my life, even as a little girl I remember how much I loved being free. Being free felt so good to me. I loved the outdoors because it allowed me to connect deeply with the expansive universe.
I remember how joyful I felt when life was so much simpler growing up as a little girl in Pakistan. I’ve always loved nature and animals my entire life, as they have been one my biggest teachers in life.
Spending time in nature, chasing after my dog or a hummingbird in my backyard allowed me to be carefree and provided me with a sense of wonderment through a child’s eyes.
I loved being free and just being myself!
I remember, at age 16, when I found out that our family had been granted permission to immigrate to the United States, I felt overjoyed as I knew I would now be living in one of the freest societies in the world. I was certain that I was going to be free FOREVER!
Once we came to the United States, I was quickly able to adapt to the new culture. I seemed to excel in academics and made many lifelong friends, which to this day I feel are a big blessing.
WHEN I GOT MARRIED
Life seemed to go on just fine, and at age 28 I got married to my husband. However, soon thereafter, I realized that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Very early on in my marriage – with each passing day – I realized that my freedom was shrinking day-by-day and so was my spirit. In the blink of an eye, I was in the midst of one of the scariest moments of my life.
When I got married I came to realize that I felt so confined. My spirit felt trapped and caged like a little bird who had lost its will to fly away – even when the door to freedom is within its reach.
Sadly, in my marriage, I experienced not only physical abuse, but also severe mental and emotional abuse. I felt so powerless and angry at the same time.
More than the physical abuse, it was the verbal and emotional abuse that I suffered at the hands of my husband that completely destroyed who I was. The hardest part was keeping it a secret for almost 10 years from my family, because I was afraid of bringing shame and dishonor to my family if people found out.
I was also very afraid of what would happen to my children as I could not bear the thought of losing them, should the court decide to grant my husband custody of our young children, ages 5 and 7 years.
There were a million reasons that I came up with as to why I needed to stay in this lifeless marriage and continue to suffer in silence. Fear had paralyzed me into inaction that like a little caged bird, I didn’t see a way out.
WHEN FREEDOM BEGAN
Finally, with God’s grace a day came when I had enough of the constant arguing, fighting, and the mistreatment from my husband and I finally mustered up enough courage (for the first time) to break my silence.
It was an extremely emotional time for me, but I chose to let my sister and my parents know the truth about the sorry state of our marriage. It was not easy for anyone of us. But, my only goal was to protect my children and myself, so we could break free from this messy cycle of domestic violence.
It was not easy because I felt judged from some of the very people within my social circle who had professed to be my friends this entire time. Since they could not handle the truth on their end, all they could do was either gossip about how I could have abandoned my marriage or judge me for not leaving earlier. Some altogether ignored the truth of the matter that I was stuck in a domestic violence situation, and chose to leave the abuse behind. Soon I came to the realization that anyone who was not there to support me through this hard time was not worth having in my life.
It was not until my divorce was finalized that I had the time to think, reflect, grieve, and come to terms with what happened to me and the damage it caused to my sense of self. The pain of seeing how much I had changed in the course of my married life was unbearable.
I had given up so much of myself (little by little) to please my husband and to be felt needed and wanted by him. All I ever wanted my whole life was to have a loving family where I could be loved unconditionally – the only type of love I knew growing up in Pakistan in my parent’s home.
Begrudgingly, I came to the realization that I had allowed this man with such low self-esteem to define who I was all these years, knowing fully well that it was not true. I also realized that I suffered way more than I ever needed to, because of my silence and not trusting my intuition, even when I knew early on in my marriage that it was doomed to fail.
I was too afraid to stand up to my bully husband then because I was conditioned by society in many ways to believe from a young age that “nice little girls don’t speak out”. So, I thought that I was supposed to be polite and not air my dirty laundry in public. Believing these lies, I kept keeping myself small throughout my marriage – afraid to speak up and to speak out about the abuse. I now know how important our voice is tied to our own sense of self-worth. When we as women do not feel worthy, we tend to minimize and shrink everything in our lives – including ourselves.
As I sit and write this piece, I cannot help but feel a sense of pride for allowing myself to be vulnerable, courageous, and to be vocal about my experiences, by not being afraid to use my voice as an instrument to bring about a positive change in another woman’s life who might be in a similar situation as mine. It has been a difficult journey for me trying to reconcile what I have had to leave behind in my marriage in order to find myself again. But, it was necessary for me to learn once again to love myself unconditionally, like I did growing up as a little girl all those years back in Pakistan.
MY PRESENT TIME
Today, looking back, I can honestly say that freedom is our birthright and no one has the right to take it away from us. When we truly feel free, only then can we truly connect with all parts of our being – body, mind, and spirit. I am so grateful that out of this difficult life situation, I was able to grieve my losses, understand and heal my pain through patience, silence, faith, courage, hope, love, joy, and peace.
I want to remind every woman that our life’s journey is our own and no one else’s, so please do not be afraid to become empowered by reaching out, connecting, and asking for help, and using your voice. Because when you speak up powerfully, it is not a sign of weakness, but one of strength and courage.
It is my mission and passion to help every woman become empowered and come out on the other side of divorce, so she can also truly feel at home in her body, mind, and spirit and like me can shout out and celebrate wholeheartedly.
